subtitle: Circle did it for Joan FIXED 'SPACE' & UPPERCASE/LOWERCASE by petala
Hello and welcome to this, the Top Gear post-nuclear apocalypse bunker.
Can we also say straightaway that we're very sorry about our appearance,
but we were outside minding our own business having a picnic
when this happened.
To be honest, the only reason we survived
was because we had our backs to the massive blast.
But survive we did, and we've been sitting here wondering
what will motoring be like in a post-apocalyptic world?
Well, fortunately, the holocaust occurred right at the beginning of the Christmas gifting period,
so post-apocalyptic motoring is exactly the subject we shall be tackling
in this cheerful yuletide DVD.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[RICHARD] So, settle back as we show you how to get to work in the perpetual darkness
of a nuclear winter.
[JAMES] Oh, God. [RICHARD] Oh, no.
How to survive the ruthless post-apocalyptic M.O.T test...
I 'm stuck!
Oh, mate, you ' re gonna fail at that rate, you're not doing well.
..how to keep motor racing alive with just two racing drivers...
No! Bad! Bad!
..and with only one barrel of petrol left on the planet,
we'll be choosing the cars we'd take our very last drives in.
But we begin with the issue of driving in the phenomenon known as 'The Nuclear Winter'.
This is what scientists believe will happen in the aftermath of a nuclear war,
when millions and millions of tons of dust and ash are thrown up into the atmosphere
by the explosion of all the nuclear weapons,
plunging the world into an eternal icy darkness
that goes on for years and years and years.
When all of humanity, all of its love, its art and its science,
is wiped out forever.
Yeah.
If you are watching this on Christmas day and that's put a dampener on things...
sorry.
Yes, he does have a point but it is a very important issue
and scientists have wondered...
how will we drive to work?
To you, this might look like a scene from 28 Days Later.
But it's not, because we've never actually seen that film.
What th is is is London in the nuclear winter.
Now, try to imagine a world where the sun is permanently blotted out,
a world where you cannot see your hand in front of your face,
a world where ELO could not possibly have written Mr. Blue Sky.
Yeah. Do please try and imagine that because it would help us enormously.
As you can see, there is in fact still, quite a lot of light around.
Nevertheless, it's our job to demonstrate how hard it would be to commute
during a nuclear winter,
which is why we shall be trying to get to work in these.
These two cars have been totally blacked out
to replicate the driving conditions of a nuclear winter,
and our job is to drive to work from opposite ends of London
and to get there without hitting each other, or anything.
But it' s not quite as grim as it sounds, is it, Hammond?
No. Because thankfully, scientists believe one of the few things to survive a nuclear holocaust
would be satnav systems.
So, with the help of these handy devices,
we should be able to drive blind.
James, if you'd like to drive to the other side of town and get into position,
- we can get started. - Righto.
Yeah. Obviously in a real nuclear winter situation, that wouldn't work.
Soon our cars were parked in opposite ends of London and ready to go.
- Am I moving? Yes, I 'm moving. - [SATNAV] After 300 yards, turn left,
then take the second right.
Rig ht. Now, the satnav is telling me straight on,
so straight on it is.
Erm... bit of left.
[SATNAV] After 300 yards...
[CRUNCH]
Ooh. That's not good.
.. then take the second right.
After 200 yards, turn right.
That's wrong. I know it's ridiculous to argue with a satnav when you can't actually see, but...
Oh, I think I might have... Go a bit harder right.
- Oh! Ow! - Turn left, then turn left.
Bear right, then turn right.
OK, I 'm negotiating a curve by satnav.
Turn right.
I think I 'll just back it up.
Obviously if your car is pulling slightly to the left or right,
and I don't think you can get your wheels balanced and your tyres checked
in a post-holocaust scenario.
OK, I think we're back on the road.
No, I'm not.
After 200 yards, turn right.
I need to do a bit of a... There's a slight delay in the satnav.
I'm trying to feel it, I'm trying to feel the vibes coming off obstructions.
Something very, very rough there.
Satnav says straight ahead.
- [THUD] - Eurgh.
That's not right, is it?
- James? - Hello?
Is it my imagination or is this the hardest thing we've ever tried to do?
Ah!
[JAMES] It's absolutely impossible. Oh God, sorry, I'm gonna have to deal with this.
- Go around the roundabout... - No!
-..third exit... - No.
- Turn right. - No wonder people get all hot under the collar
about nuclear war and stuff, this is tricky!
Oh.
No, that's wrong, clearly.
Oh dear.
- [CRUNCH] - Ah, it's not a good sound, is it?
[RICHARD] Eventually though, after a bit of practice
we started to get in tune with the satnavs.
[SATNAV] After 50 yards, turn right.
I'd say this was going reasonably well so far, but I can't afford to relax.
Because experts predict that fallout and radiation from the blast
will cause unusually large numbers of people
to go to Argos and buy bouncy castles and try and carry them home on the bus.
It is also possible that during the atomic blast,
massive pyramids of things like baked beans and tomato soup in supermarkets
will have been blown into the sky and then will have reassembled themselves on the road,
- which is an obvious hazard. - In 200 yards, turn left, then turn left.
Scientists also believe that in the future, people driven mad by radioactivity
will start building flat-pack bedrooms right in the middle of the road.
After 100 yards, turn left.
Do you think it might have been beans or soup?
Could be worse, there could be fireworks lying around.
[FIREWORKS BOOMING AND WHISTLING]
After several more brushes with nuclear winter-related obstacles,
James and I had almost reached our place of work.
[SATNAV] Turn left then... You have reached your destination.
Ah! Ah a! Ah a!
Turn right then... You have reached your destination.
How comforting a sound would th at be on your nuclear winter commute to work?
[CRASH]
- James! James! - What?
I've crashed.
You crashed into something or were you crashed into?
I think something just crashed into me.
I think something crashed into me.
- Sound your horn. - [BEEP]
[BEEP]
- [JAMES] That's you. - Yeah, we've crashed... Oh.
Well, erm, let's wait until some post-apocalyptic nuclear winter police arrive.
[SIREN BLARING]
[CRASH]
I think the police might be here.
Then some other nuclear survivors arrived for work.
[JAMES] God, now what?
This is the nuclear rush hour of the nuclear winter
Nobody expected that!
[SIREN BLARING]
[JAMES] Oh, God. [RICHARD] Oh, no.
Hang on.
I think I can smell petrol.
subtitle: Circle did it for Joan FIXED 'SPACE' & UPPERCASE/LOWERCASE by petala
In the radioactive aftermath, those of us who have been lucky enough to survive
will inevitably start asking questions.
'Did any of my friends survive? ' 'Did any of my relations? '
'Will civilisation as we knew it ever return? '
Yes. And quite right too.
But if you're a petrol head, you'll find yourself facing a much more important question.
Namely this - eventually, in a post-apocalyptic world,
there will be only one barrel of petrol left.
And which cars would you put it in to go for your very last ever drives?
Yes, this is a cracker of a dilemma,
and one that scientists will debate in post-apocalyptic pubs for many years to come.
But we've decided to have a crack at it now
by choosing those cars in which we would have our very last drives.
[RICHARD] I shall go first by taking a final drive with an old friend.
Students of Top Gear will recognise this as the Bowler Nemesis,
except this one is a little bit different.
The Bowler, as we know, was bred to survive in tough, unforgiving places.
Quarries, deserts and so on.
But this new one has gone up in the world.
Instead of bare metal and bucket seats,
you now have this bachelor pad,
festooned with dark leather, carbon fibre, stereo equipment and air-conditioning.
Even the windows are electrical.
A nd to a normal Bowler user, that is witchcraft.
So the question now is, has this new Bowler still got what it takes to survive
wh en th i n g s g et tou g h?
Now according to top scientists,
central London would be radically changed in a nuclear blast.
Big Ben, Buckingham Palace and all the other stuff
will be knocked about and re-arranged
into a race track, a tough off-roadie place,
and a massive beach.
Now, obviously, the Bowler will still be around,
but something else will have survived the holocaust.
The paparazzi. Yeah.
The people who enrich your life with a photograph of Will Young buying a coffee,
or a Girl Aloud feeding a meter.
So, to test this Bowler, my job is to evade a paparazzi over all sorts of terrain,
He can use any kind of vehicle he likes.
I've got to stop him getting a picture of me at the wheel, in focus.
And the first is on Tarmac, against this.
Ooh, a Jaguar XKR.
[SHUTTER CLICKING]
Now, that's interesting, because this Nemesis is using exactly the same engine as that Jag,
a five-litre supercharged V8.
Both cars weight the same, about 1.7 tons.
That Jag, 503 brake horsepower
but amazingly, Bowler managed to squeeze an extra 20 brake horsepower into the engine
for the Nemesis.
So my power to weight ratio is better than his.
Right, let's sprint!
Nought to 60, 4.2 seconds.
Try your sneaky shot now!
There was no doubt that on the straights the Nemesis was killing Jaguar's finest,
but when it came to the corners there was one massive flaw in team Bowler...
me!
Annoyingly, I rather suspect... he's a better driver than me!
That's the problem I have.
Ooh! He's alongside, oh no!
I saw the lens but... I don't think he got a shot.
Oh!
Luckily though the Bowler could find racing lines where the Jag couldn't.
And eventually he threw in the towel.
Ha! Looks like he's given u p, the big g i rl's blouse.
Oh [BEEP!] No, he's not g iven up.
He had in fact swapped the XKR for a Robinson R44,
the lightweight mosquito of the helicopter world...
with a top of 135mph.
I'm gonna struggle but he will have a fight through the turns.
So, if I keep this right through the twisties...
he won't be able to get alongside me and get a shot.
Oh dear.
[SHUTTER CLICKING]
Aargh!
Don't get a shot, please!
Oh! Where are you? Where are you now, then?
There he is.
No!
Luckily our closing speed was 250mph.
[SHUTTER CLICKING]
Right, little Bowler, come on!
A big post-nuclear dash.
That's a lot of helicopter in my mirror.
Aha!
Try a bit of that, whirlybird boy!
The Bowler had vanquished its enemies on Tarmac.
Come on! Ha ha ha ha!
Now we were back on familiar Bowler turf.
Or is it any more? We don't know.
So, what am I up against this time?
Bikes? Military?
As it turned out, it was both.
Ooh, blimey.
Stay close, let's stay with him, stay with him.
Yeah, I reckon the bikes are just there to distract me.
The photographer is in the Jackal.
That's the thing that killed Jeremy
when he raced against it in the Evo and that is bad news.
Stay close.
The SAS use it and they're kind of fussy about their company cars.
It'll do 90 on the flat.
The seat will protect the driver from a mine blast.
Even the fuel tank can repair itself if it's hit by a bullet.
All in all, a formidable platform for the snooping snapper.
Come on! Let's see what you've got!
Oh, God! I 'm off the road!
That's it, stay with him, stay with him.
Got to keep reminding myself, this is a road car!
The unstoppable Jackal and the agile bikes kept on the pressure,
hoping to break the road-going Bowler on the tough terrain.
Those bikes are just making it impossible!
But the Bowler didn 't crack.
It might be in a dinner suit but this thing is still a Bowler.
Which meant yet more musical chairs for the snapper.
Oh, my God!
Oh, you 've got to be kidding!
He wasn't kidding though.
And unfortunately for me we were in the hovercraft's natural environment -
a beach.
a massive six-mile long one.
This is looking very post-nuclear apocalypse.
Fulham's really gone downhill.
That, in fact, is an offshore racing hovercraft.
It's got a one-litre BMW bike engine.
Nought to 60 in about five seconds, it'll do 70mph.
And I can't shake him.
There's only one biker left, the other one must be in the sea.
[SHUTTER CLICKING]
All I can do is, if I weave about...
I'm going left! No I'm not, I'm going right!
I'm going back! I'm going left!
There's no way can they possibly... They can.
They are.
Desperate to stay out of the pap 's lens, I tried another tactic.
Oh, it's a hovercraft. He's fine with water, that's not going to be to my advantage, is it?
So I gave him a face full of salt and made a dash for the finish line.
There it is! There's the post-apocalyptic finish line with a post-apocalyptic chequered flag!
If I make it across there, I have done it!
Ha ha!
Take that!
Try selling those pictures!
Inevitably he did, but they weren 't what you would call his best work,
so if you are a post-apocalyptic Premiership footballer,
maybe the road-legal Nemesis is the car for you.
[SCREAMING]
[AIR-RAID SIREN]
[SCREAMING]
Now, to you, this might look like a scene from Independence Day or Deep Impact.
Sorry.
Now, to you... To you, this might look like a scene from Independence Day or Deep Impact.
Yes, or then again it might not,
because those are films we haven't had a chance to catch yet.
What it is, though, is a frighteningly accurate representation of the scenes you will see
as people flee cities after the nuclear attack.
Essentially complete log-jam on every main artery.
Yeah. And here's the critical thing.
As you left your house in, let's face it, a bit of a rush,
you can bet your bottom dollar that whilst you'd have remembered essentials -
food, clothing, water -
you'll have forgotten the most important thing.
Travel games to play in the car.
Absolutely. Do not worry, because Hammond and I have devised some in-car games
that require no retail items whatsoever.
Yes, the first game we're going to demonstrate is called dashboard spot the difference.
- Hooray! - You might wanna take notes, it's a good one.
James, you can be the spotter on the first round. It goes round by round, you swap roles.
So, you have ten seconds to memorise the dash.
Every feature on it is an element of our game.
OK, just memorising, memorising, memorising,
- [JAMES] I'm fixed in mine. - Right.
- Right, if it's fixed, if you'd like to look away... - Looking away.
I shall now make a subtle adjustment on the dashboard.
Erm... To make this more challenging, I'm going to make two.
[JAMES] OK.
You may now look.
- That temperature has been raised. - Yes, it has!
- The seat heater is now on. - No, you're imagining things.
- You're making stuff up. - [THUDDING]
It's brand-new!
I'm sorry, I can't have been looking... What is it?
Oh, no! The vents!
Right, my turn. I'll look away.
OK, I'm going to set up...
- [BEEP] - One is allowed to listen for audible clues
- and I heard a recognisable electronic beep. - OK, there are two changes.
OK.
OK. Er...
- Er, you put my seat heater on. - Yes.
Erm...
And...you changed the level of the vents.
No, sir!
- Er... That. - No!
- I don't know! - I turned the screen off.
Oh, God, I didn't see that!
It's time to use up some of my last barrel of petrol.
Now, there are two ways of doing this.
I could go for something very exciting, but then it would be over quite quickly
or I could go for something economical which would mean I could keep driving for longer
but that would be quite boring.
Or, I could do both by putting my gallon of post-apocalypse petrol in this.
It's a Mini.
It's a proper Mini, it's a 1964 Mini Cooper.
1071 engine. It's marvellous.
[REVS ENGINE]
Listen to that! Ho ho ho!
It's very light, it's very simple. It doesn't have very much power,
it doesn't have very much grip
but it means that you feel absolutely everything.
You feel it in your fingertips, you can feel it in your buttocks.
Then you'll understand why this car, a car that was apparently designed for the housewife,
became a rally and track racing champion.
Because it's brilliant!
We've sometimes said on Top Gear
that you're not a true petrol head if you haven't owned an Alfa Romeo.
I'd like to modify that. I'd like to say you're not a true petrol head
if you've never owned a Mini.
In a Mini, you enjoy your last bit of fuel for longer
cos even if you drive it like a bit of a hoond like I am now,
that last gallon of apocalypse petrol will last for at least 35 miles, maybe 40.
Of course, there are times driving a Mini when you wish the petrol would run out sooner.
The driving position is terrible,
it's noisy and the ride is very hard.
B ut i n th e ri g ht ci rcu m sta n ces, it is fa ntastic.
And right circumstances include an abandoned shopping centre underground car park
in post-apocalyptic Britain.
Especially if you're not on your own.
That's just typical. You get a whole car park to yourself
and then the undead turn up and spoil it.
[SCREECHING]
That's right - this is the place of choice if you are a soulless, Mini-driving corpse...
and who can blame them?
This is where a Mini is at its best.
(Chuckles)
Zombies at six o'clock!
Oh, go away and be dead.
For Pete's sake!
It's a good job underground shopping centre car parks
are empty in the post-apocalyptic world...
otherwise there wouldn't be a space for zombies to do J-turns.
These zombies are like the feral youth of the future.
Hanging around in car parks being a nuisance.
Go and get a job.
[GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC]
So there you are. If you find yourself a bit bored after the nuclear blast
and you 're looking for a way to burn your last few drops of fuel,
I can guarantee there's no better way of blowing it than in an original Mini Cooper.
Now, things really aren't as good as they could be at the moment
but we have made plans to keep Top Gear going in the event of a nuclear war.
At the moment, we are trying to do the news, although it's proving rather difficult, isn't it?
Yeah, it is. I mean, Vauxhall - no new cars, factory wiped out in the blast.
Yeah. Same story with Ford. No new cars whatsoever, factory has completely disappeared.
VW - nothing from them. Factory obliterated in a 50-megaton explosion.
Yeah. Oh, there is a new 911.
Oh, and it's grown a hideous sort of mutant radioactive wing thing on the back, look
- That's a GT3. - Oh, is it?
Anyway, we will keep trying with the news but now we must turn our attention
to another motoring-related post-apocalyptic issue, motorsport.
Sadly, this activity will not fare well in a nuclear devastation scenario.
All the F1 team will be blown up and the rally teams, and...
Well, everything, really.
Yes, in fact, scientists believe that only two racing drivers will survive
and the question they are asking themselves is, 'How will we make an exciting race
'with a grid of just two? '
[ENGINE REVVING]
[RICHARD] Now to you, this may look like a scene from the Will Smith 's I Am Legend.
But it's not.
No, because that's not a film with which we' re familiar.
What this is is the world's last surviving racetrack.
Abandoned, deserted. A ghost track, if you will.
Ignore that. That won't be there.
No, neither will that aeroplane full of people going on holiday, that's not there.
Nevertheless, this is the place where we shall demonstrate our ingenious method
of making an exciting motorsport
when there's only two cars and two drivers left in the world.
Here are those two remaining race cars,
and on the plus side, it means there is lots of post-apocalyptic sponsorship for them to share.
Now, how to make an exciting race with them.
Here's how our ingenious solution works.
I'll be driving my car... except I'll be driving Hammond's car,
wh ich Hammond is in, because he's driving that, except he's driving his car, which I'm in,
except he's not, that's why it's interesting.
But you said you'd be driving your car.
- Yes, because I am. - So I'm driving my car.
You're in my car and you're driving my car. No, you're driving your car.
So no, I'm in my car. The car I'm driving is... No, you're...
You're in my car.
No, here's how it works. I will be sitting in the back of Hammond's car
and I'll be driving my car, which he's in, by remote control
and because he's in my car, he's got a remote control driving his car which I'm in,
driving my car, which he was in all along
It is utterly brilliant and we've decided to call this new form of motorsport...
- Radioactivity. Snappy. Pithy. - [JAMES CHUCKLES]
Memorable.
- Right, which car do I get in? - I've no idea.
Right, just to be clear - James would sit in my car
but race his car driving it by remote control,
whilst I would do the same from his car.
However, on the start line we realised there was a problem.
Who's gonna start the race?
That's a good point, everybody's dead. Erm...
OK, I'll get out and wave the flag, then I'll get back in. Hang on.
Are you ready?
And...
Radioactivity... Go!
- No, you... Funny! - [RICHARD LAUGHING]
[JAMES ON RADIO] It's not gonna work!
- It doesn't work, I can't see where it's going. - Exactly, because you're in your car.
- I've got to go with it. - Bring it back.
[RICHARD] I... Get in your car and we'll do three-two-one on the radio.
Ooh. Right, he's put me into gear.
I shall... put my car into gear as well.
And taking the brakes off. Three, two, one, go!
And they're off.
- He's cut me up. - [LAUGHS]
[JAMES] Quickly we realised this race would require a high IQ.
So I'm in the lead but I'm not in the lead because my car's behind.
If I keep James's car, which I'm in, in the mirror of my car, which James is in,
he can see well enough to drive me but I'll win by going faster
Here comes an overtaking manoeuvre on myself, I think.
Oh, no!
Hammond responded with great finesse.
- [TYRES SCREECH] - [JAMES] Aah!
Aah! Stop driving into me! You!
Ha ha ha ha!
If he swerves towards me, I've got to avoid me with him.
After a mere three minutes, we were approaching the first corner.
[JAMES] Waaah! Ah!
Oh! Was that you?
[RICHARD] You crashed me into me, which is you!
Yeah, but you didn't avoid you... or me.
A mere five minutes later we finally reached the first corner...
Left! Or right, that's OK! Now left!
.. where we realised it was a bit ambitious to worry about the racing line.
[JAMES LAUGHING] I can 't see!
No, I'm going towards the tyre wall which will, I suspect, be quite interesting.
[JAMES] As we went round the tyre wall I was in the lead,
except I was in Hammond's car so I wasn 't in the lead...
Sorry, I'm not making much sense. This is such a complete mind-bending...
Waah! Ha!
- What's he putting me over there for? - [RICHARD GIGLING] Where are you going?
Right, Hammerhead is next.
As we bored down on Hammerhead, James sped up his car without bothering to steer it.
Oh - ho! James! James!
Ah!
- [TYRES SCREECHING] - Wrong way, go right! Your car!
[TYRES SCREECHING]
Perfectly round the Hammerhead from my car.
- Wuargh! - Tyre wall!
[LAUGHING]
Several unskilful minutes later...
- James! Put me back on the track! - I can't see!
.. we finally exited Hammerhead.
Hang on, stop moving me or I can't see where you... I am.
- Argh! - We got it right. I'm in the lead!
[RICHARD] Oh-ho!
I can't see him at all!
I can't see... Ah-ha!
Wrong way, go right! Ah-ha!
Go right! No, gently, you fool!
What the [BEEP] is he doing?
Anxious to regain the lead, Hammond then unleashed his car.
Stop! Stop!
What the [BEEP] are you doing? Right!
[RICHARD] So far if we were honest it, it hadn 't been that smooth a lap.
But as we trundled down the final straight together...
We can do this, we can finish a lap.
.. we were finally driving as one.
Oohhh!
[RICHARD] Oh dear.
[JAMES] Luckily our cars were still running...
so we were side by side as we powered in to the tricky second-to -last corner.
[RNGINES GRINDING]
Oh, that sounds very unhealthy.
[RICHARD] I know he's going to make a sprint for the line when we get there.
What I could do is cut him off by driving my car... in front of his.
I've lost him!
I can't see! For God's sake!
- And they cross the line! - Ha ha!
- You cheated! - I didn't, you kept putting me in front of you,
so I put you in front of me, who was me in front of you.
[JAMES] When did I put you/me/I in front...
[RICHARD] Having proved Radioactive Racing to be a success...
we then tried it out on another form of motorsport - drag racing.
- James. - Hello?
Can you rev my engine so I'll look mean at the start of the drag race? And I'll rev yours.
[REVVING]
At least drag races are generally quite close and we've both got the same sort of car.
If I come second, I've come first. Cos my car will have crossed the line first.
I can do that.
[REVVING]
Yeah, I'm off to a good start!
Ooh, it's tricky! What are you doing?!
Oh, God, that's difficult!
No, I'm getting ahead.
Heh-hey! I'm ahead! Ha!
Which means...I'm behind.
I think that's a victory. I think I've won.
I can't see my mirror now! This is ridiculous!
Hammond!
I'm gonna win, which means I'll lose!
I've got no choice. It's do or die.
I'm gonna use my car to ram his car... off the course.
Wuurgh!
- [CRASH] - Ha ha! That's done it! Ha ha!
No! Bad! Bad!
Across the line!
Yes! No, hang on a minute, this is Hammond's car.
No!
[SCREAMING]
[SIREN BLARING]
[AIR-RAID SIREN]
[JAMES] Right. Looking away... [RICHARD] OK, looking away.
[AIR-RAID SIREN CONTINUES]
Right.
Ee...
Was that on 20?
I'm gonna go for that was pointing downwards.
No. It's the iguana.
Oh!
- You see, you're good but sometimes... - Oh, how could I have missed that?
For my final last barrel of petrol drive I will be in a muscle car.
I could have chosen one of the big names - a Mustang, a Charger or a Challenger.
But instead I've gone for the one considered to be the grandfather of all muscle cars -
the Pontiac GTO.
There is actually an interesting bit of history to the Pontiac GTO.
In the early 1960s, General Motors, for some unknown reason,
decreed that none of their cars from any of their divisions
could be involved in motor racing.
So some of the young hotheads from Pontiac, including their chief designer, John DeLorean,
thought, 'All right, if that's the way it's gonna be,
'we'll make these cars for the street.'
And so, the Pontiac GTO, the fore-father of all muscle cars, was born.
Th is is the full-on, maximum, away-from-the-lights, 'Sorry, Officer' GTO.
It's a legend.
The GTO tag was stolen unashamedly from Ferraris iconic 250 GTO.
But whereas the Italians prided themselves on racing technology,
this blue-collar version preferred red-neck muscle.
[REVVING]
This might not be the wisest choice
if we're talking about only having one barrel of petrol left.
You see, the GTO always came with a hefty engine.
You could have a 6.2, a 6.6,
and then there was this...
7.4 litre V8.
A 7.4 litre V8, that's actually quite funny.
[LAUGHS]
I mean, yes, they are a bit crap, yes, they corner like carnival floats,
but listen to this.
[ENGINE HUMMS]
Oh, my God! Ahhh!
We're really not talking brainy stuff with this last barrel,
we're talking storing up memories, sensations
and nothing assaults the senses
Iike a muscle car.
The Germans will be remembered for the precision of their engineering.
The French for their quirky brilliance.
The Italians for passion.
The British for the nimble roadster.
But the Americans...
They'll be remembered for giving us a laugh.
And I don't mean that spitefully.
What I mean is they made cars like this that basically say, 'Look, calm down, nobody died.
'It's a bit of fun. Enjoy it.'
Ha ha!
I mean, just look at me, in this. It's fancy dress!
Look at that taco on the bonnet. Why there?
It doesn't matter, that's part of it. We had a sense of humour, that was important.
We were stupid - course we were, we destroyed the planet!
But we had our good points as well.
We were fun, we were a laugh.
Ha ha ha ha!
Muscle cars may not have done much to advance the world.
But trust me, you wouldn't want to live in a world without them.
[SCREAMING]
[SIRENS BLARING]
[JAMES] OK, your turn. Look away.
And... you can look.
There's one change.
- Pixie on the dashboard. - Correct.
Actually not entirely correct, he's a leprechaun, but I'll give it to you.
[JAMES] It's time for me to drive my final last barrel of petrol car,
and this being me, you are probably expecting a Rolls or a Bentley.
Well, sorry to disappoint.
Comfort and leather trim are all very lovely,
but they are not the last sensations I want to remember.
No, I want those sensations to be in a supercar.
In fact, the most primeval supercar of all time.
It is as sim p le as a Bugatti Veyron is complex.
It's like a three-minute punk thrash compared with an interminable concept album.
It is, in fact, the most elemental Ferrari you'd find this side of a Formula 1 grid.
The F40 is also the essence of all that famous Ferrari petulance and passion.
I mean, this car was launched in 1987,
supposedly to celebrate the company's 40th birthday.
But in truth, it was an act of revenge, perpetrated against Porsche
for trying to outdo Ferrari with the 959.
Now, the 959 could do 197mph
so when the F40 came out, Ferrari made sure it could do 201.
Not 200, 201, and the 1 was very significant, it was their way of saying,
'Porsche, get back in your box. Know your place.'
And when it was launched, this was the fastest production car in the world.
Ferrari threw this car together in just 12 months,
which is no time at all for car development, but even so, it was a groundbreaker.
It was the first car in the world to have a body made almost entirely of carbon fibre
and they'd only only started using that in Formula 1 about three years earlier.
Throughout his life,
Enzo Ferrari always said that people who bought his road cars were idiots.
He openly acknowledged that he fleeced them just to feed his all-consuming racing habit.
And the F40 was the peak of this practice.
Back in 1987, Ferrari were charging L200, 000 for it.
He d id say that they would only ever make 400 of them.
That made 400 investors extremely happy.
And - I don 't know what the Italian for a porker pie is -
but that was a whopper, because they made 1,315.
They just sort of forgot to stop.
And for that money, in town at least, you got a terrible experience.
It's too wide, the suspension's too hard, it clunks,
the engine's very noisy, it gets very hot, the gearbox is stiff,
the throttle pedal is sticky.
Out on the open road, however...
Yes!
2.9-litre V6 with two massive turbo-chargers.
Ha ha ha!
Those turbos would provide 478bhp,
and take you to 60mph in 3.7 seconds.
478 horsepower doesn't sound that much by modern standards
and I don't suppose it is,
but this car is very light.
It's really just a tubular frame, it's like a tent,
and then it's clad in carbon fibre body panels, there's only 11 pieces
in the whole of the bodywork,
and as a result of that, it weighs 1,100kg,
only about the same as a modern Mini.
Bit of turbo lag. I know it's gonna kick but here we go...
But all that lightness did come at a price.
Standard equipment? Let's have a look.
Er, there's none.
Really, nothing. There's no proper carpet, there's no glove box, there's only basic instruments.
Wind-up windows, piece of string for the door handle.
The only concession to comfort is air-conditioning.
And of course, it's 1980s Italian air-conditioning, so it doesn't work.
I think the F40 may have been the genesis of that great supercar marketing ploy.
You take stuff off the car and then you charge more for it.
My ration of fuel is burning up,
but this drive is enough to remind me that the F40 is the best Ferrari ever.
It is so stripped out,
it is so much the essence of Ferrari the manufacturer and Ferrari the man.
This is the Ferrari road car he would have if he was with us today.
I think it's fantastic but... I'm not gonna enjoy it for much longer.
God, that's getting low!
This is a pact with the devil.
I want the sensation - I'm getting it but it comes at a cost,
the fuel's going very quickly.
I'm holding it in third for that bit cos I want to blast out of here,
I've got the turbo on, oh yes, please!
Whoo-hoo!
That's it.
All over.
Do you know, before the bomb went off, this car was worth over £300,000.
Now...
it's a piece of roadside litter.
Good, though.
No regrets.
That was the right choice.
[FLUSHING]
Now, have you ever been to the cinema and watched a film set in the future?
If you have, you'll notice that they all have one thing in common.
Nobody's very friendly.
Name any future-set film you like - Mad Max, Terminator, 28 Days Later,
Born Free, Waterworld -
everybody is absolutely horrible to each other.
And scientists believe that post-nuclear unpleasantness
will affect motoring as well.
Yeah. Imagine a world where car showrooms are run by flesh-eating zombies,
where sheep grow really big eyes,
where children at bus stops clutch dolls and stare at you.
That, according to scientists, is motoring in a post-apocalyptic world.
Yes, it is. Even something as mundane as the M.O.T
could be a hideous futuristic nightmare.
Do you mind?
At present, as I'm sure you know,
getting one of these M.O.T certificates is really quite uneventful.
You take your car down to an M.O.T garage, then a man in overalls pokes around it
whilst you suck your teeth and hope that he doesn't notice
that it's two different cars welded together.
In the post-nuclear world, however,
it's going to be quite different.
Now, to you, this might look like the Thunderdome from Mad Max 3.
But it's not cos we haven't seen that film.
What this is is the M.O.T test centre of the future.
And it is the place where cars must fight to the very death in order to survive.
Because scientists believe that in the radioactive fallout, cars will mutate
and, very conveniently for us at this point in our DVD,
sprout ridiculous weapons.
They will.
[JAMES] This is the typical selection of cars booked in for today's M.O.T.
They include a family Volvo equipped with a massive flame-thrower...
.. a black cab fitted fitted with a massive swinging, spiky thing.
[PEOPLES SCREAMING]
.. and a sedate and dignified hearse...
featuring a massive roof-mounted axe.
This is my car. It's a tough, go-anywhere 4.2 - litre Range Rover,
featuring this massive front-mounted, many-pronged arm
for flipping other cars over.
[GROWLING]
And finally, my car, this innocent-looking Vauxhall Corsa,
featuring this massive, spinny-blade thing.
[WHINNING]
So, there you have it. All the cars attack each other
and the last car surviving at the end gets the coveted M.O.T certificate.
Now, naturally, it is quite dangerous for the owners to take part
in the actual M.O.T test.
They'll be killed. But there's good news here because luckily scientists believe
that due to radioactive fallout,
the cars themselves will respond well to being radio-controlled.
So we'll be over there with the rest of the owners.
Within moments, the M.O.T began.
OK, so this is it. We're going.
- I want my M.O.T. Forwards. - Forwards.
[KLAXON]
Also conveniently for our DVD,
in the M.O.T test of the future,
the yellow and black cars are packed with explosives.
Detonate one and survive and you get bonus M.O.T points.
Yeah!
My Range Rover charged at another yellow and black bomb,
but the taxi sneaked in and bagged a second kill.
- Ooh! - This is chaos!
[JAMES] Worse still, I was trapped and under attack.
I ' m stuck.
I'm being incinerated by the Volvo with the dodgy gearbox.
Oh, mate, you're gonna fail at that rate, you're not doing well.
[RICHARD] Mind you, I was hardly having a relaxed day.
I 've got a taxi on my tail.
Aargh!
No! Mind my Corsa!
I've set my spinner thing going.
Uh-oh.
[JAMES] Struggling to dent my Range Rover,
the Volvo then turned it's flame-thrower on the hearse.
- Ooh! - I got out of the way.
And I too bravely legged-it, leaving the taxi free to start thrashing the hearse.
Ooh!
[JAMES] The hearse fled straight into the path of my Range Rover.
I think I've got him.
The M.O.T test continued to rage on.
[JAMES] Ooh!
Take that, you... you thingy!
As the vicious black cab claimed yet more bonus points...
I decided to go in for the kill.
Ha ha ha! That'll finish him off!
To make sure, the Volvo dived in with a quick blast of fire...
and I responded by turning on the Volvo.
Here we go. I'm gonna take him out.
Ha ha!
Take that!
Rather cleverly, I had let James get on with the killing,
while my Corsa ran around unharmed.
And now only the two of us were left.
Haha! I would still pass an M.O.T easy.
Right. I'm having that, definitely.
Ha ha ha!
[RICHARD] Ah!
- That's not... - [JAMES LAUGH]
- That's a fail. - That's definitely a fail.
[JAMES] Which means the coveted post-nuclear M.O.T certificate
goes to the Solihull Range Rover.
Yes! Thank you!
[SCREAMING]
[SIREN BLARING]
James and I shall now introduce you to another of our travel games
to keep you entertained during the long months of the nuclear winter.
- James, what have we got? - Thank you, Richard.
Our new game involves a convertible car,
such as this conveniently abandoned Mini we have here.
First, you wrench off the aerial,
and then the other person has to perform a series of pre-ordained button-pressing tasks
with the opposite end of the aerial against the clock.
It's known as 'Longest Finger In The World'. Richard, if you'd like to take that.
I shall be the presser, you shall be the taskmaster.
I would like you to select audio, change to FM, and retune to Radio 4...
- That's ironic, isn't it? - Yes, it is.
- Task involving the radio and... - Yes, sorry about that.
- Right. - Starting... now!
- Right, I'm going for the audio button. - Going for the audio button.
You can see now why the game gets its name, Longest Finger In The World.
[JAMES] Extremely difficult. The buttons are slightly rounded...
- One hand only, please. - [RICHARD] Struggling for purchase here.
- No, he's failed. - No, I haven't yet.
- Oh, please! - Relax.
There you go! Audio is selected.
- Er... - Select FM.
This is gonna be a fail. Can we use the other end of the longest finger in the world?
No!
I've deliberately chosen an aerial from another car with a roundy end.
- How long is a nuclear winter? - Long.
- With you. - You've only had 45 seconds of it so far.
Er, one hand.
I... I'm failing.
OK, my task.
O, James May, fellow player and fellow nuclear holocaust survivor,
your task as the bearer of the longest finger in the world is...
operate the central locking and put the roof up.
- Ooh! - Which will require some manoeuvring.
Yes. Central locking is there.
It is.
[MAN SHRIEKING]
- Door's locked. - There's no need for that.
Oh, this is going to be very difficult.
[RICHARD] Yeah, it will be...
- [SIREN BLARING] - Oh yeah!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[WHIRRING]
- Oh! Faultless! - Ow!
He's chopped his arm off and there's no hospitals!
- That's not possible. - Well, open the door, you muppet!
I locked it, that was the first task.
We've locked ourselves out of a stolen car!
That's the end of 'Longest Finger In The World'.
[JAMES] Back now to this fascinating nerdy conundrum of the last barrel of petrol on earth.
Now, as you've seen, we've already chosen two of our favourite cars each
in which we can have our last ever drive with our last ever barrel
of post-apocalyptic petrol.
But it's not quite over yet because we did keep a little bit back
for a final blast around the Top Gear test track.
Yeah. Thing is, it really is just a very little bit. Yeah, very.
So we've chosen two cars that'll eke it out.
[RICHARD] Well, a bit.
What we have here is the Porsche 911 GT3
possibly the most perfect version of the 911.
And alongside it, the Aston Martin Vantage V12.
The one car that can give it a run for its money.
I think you probably all know how much Richard Hammond loves a 911.
So it's only reasonable that we'd send Richard Hammond away
with happy memories of the GT3.
Something to cheer him in his old age,
when he's sitting in his radioactive armchair.
But the truth is, I'm more than happy to take the wheel of the Vantage.
It's an Aston.
Everybody loves an Aston. They just make the world a happier place.
They have more charisma than normal cars.
And if you are going to have a final shoot-out on this track,
the Vantage is the perfect sparring partner for the 911.
The weird th ing is, these cars are chalk and cheese.
But at the same time, they're peas in a pod.
They're different sides of the same coin, they're two world superpowers but with...
- Hammond? - Yes?
Can you just back off on the analogies? I don't think we've got the petrol for all that guff.
Good point.
What I'm trying to say is, both of these cars are probably the best sports cars can be
but they're coming at that from completely different directions.
Yeah, one's German and one's British, so we can make gags about the Battle of Britain.
Yeah, thank you Stan Boardman.
[RICHARD] Let me explain my point.
Now, on paper, we are very different.
I have a 3.8-litre flat six mounted all the way back here.
Yeah, I have a massive 6-litre V12 mounted up here.
I have 435 brake horsepower.
Ah, you see, I have 510 - but the Aston is almost 300kg heavier than the Porsche.
- Your nought to 60? - 4.2 seconds. Yours?
- 4.1. - Ooh!
Top speed, 194.
190.
Yeah, you see, that's our point. We reckon in a straight line on, say, a runway,
these two would be very close.
Yeah, and to find out how close, we're going to have, of course, a drag race.
But because this will be the last ever drag race in history,
using the last barrel of petrol in history,
we've decided to forgo the usual limp-wristed quarter of a mile thing
and we're going to three-uarters of a mile and at the end we shall compare top speeds.
How's that?
It's British pluck versus German ingenuity.
This is it. Waiting for the hideous flesh-eating zombie to give us the go.
Right. Cowslip Control Rabbit Squadron airborne. I can see Jerry.
[TYRES SQUEAL]
Ya-ha! This is it! The last drag race!
Crikey, he's off!
He's miles off!
Look at this thing go!
100mph just seconds after I left.
110... here comes 120!
140!
150!
Absolutely phenomenal!
And... across the line!
Ha ha ha ha!
The 911 won!
Mort, feel those! Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
- Ooh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.
- Ha ha! Clearly! - Yes, all right!
The world is in tatters and you're still being smug about winning a drag race.
Well, you could do one of things - you could win or lose...
and I did the winning thing.
Did you see, though, how my carbon ceramic brakes slowed me down at the end?
Did you see how my carbon ceramic brakes brought me to a halt safely?
Yeah. And they're standard, are they, like on the Aston?
No, they're extra. They cost an extra 5,800 quid,
which takes the price the price of this car to just short of 94 grand.
Bargain.
- How much? - 135.
So time's going to be tight, post-apocalypse?
I don't... No, because...
Just throw a radioactive brick through the dealer's window and help yourself.
- Shall we do some more driving? - Yes.
[RICHARD] With the needles dipping rapidly,
we decided to crack-on with the bit we 've always enjoyed most -
the car-to-car face-off.
My CO2 emissions are lower than yours. I win that as well.
Yeah, that's very relevant in a world of nuclear ash and flesh-eating zombies.
Flesh-eating zombies don't care about the environment.
- Yeah, that's a good point. Shall we go? - Go!
I've got the Aston in Sport mode.
I know it's a bit extravagant but listen to what it does to the exhaust.
[REVVING]
What a fantastic noise!
This is marvellous! It's got so much power and a great gush of torque,
it's like a big swelling balloon under the bonnet.
[CHUCKLES]
There's so much thought goes into one of these.
This one now has dynamic engine mounts,
so that they can stiffen up under hard cornering.
That's fiddly.
You remember the first version of this, the V8 Vantage? On this one, they've made it stiffer,
they've made it a bit lower, they've lightened it slightly.
All in the interests of making up for the weight of that engine.
There you go!
The GT3 is Darwin's evolution -
decades of German engineers tinkering has brought us to this car.
The wheels are now held on by centre-locking nuts rather that lods round the edge.
Putting one nut in the middle gets rid of a tiny bit of flex you get
with normal wheel nuts under hard braking, when it moves fractionally on the hub.
That's a lot of thought goes into that.
It's the Hawker Hurricane Mark II versus the Messerschmitt ME-109 Emil.
Grip! A lot of grip!
Oh, I've messed that up slightly.
Ha ha ha ha!
Isn't it fantastic? For its whole existence, Aston Martin has been in difficulties
and yet here it is, at the end of the world...
What a way to go!
[RICHARD] As the fuel gauge needles dropped,
we stopped trying to find out which one was best,
because frankly none of that mattered any more.
Instead, we played,
and gave these two the most exciting send-off we could.
But inevitably...
Ha ha! Oh, hang on!
Ohh... (S ig h s)
[JAMES] Oh...
That's it.
It's over.
So, here we are. And we hope you've found this scientifically-backed-up DVD
a useful and enjoyable survival guide to motoring in a post-apocalyptic world,
and not in any way similar to any post-apocalyptic movies
you may have seen at the cinema.
No, indeed. And if you happen to be one of those tramp types
and you walk around town centres with bogeys hanging out of your nose,
holding up a placard saying 'The End Is Nigh',
then do rest assured that this DVD will be available at most petrol stations,
and at an agreeably discounted price,
shortly after Christmas.
- Goodbye. - Drive safe.
subtitle: Circle did it for Joan FIXED 'SPACE' & UPPERCASE/LOWERCASE by petala
feel free write to: circle-yuan@yahoo.com.tw FIXED 'SPACE' & UPPERCASE/LOWERCASE by petala